omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ketchup is God's man juice
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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