I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
