if you like me you must not know who I am
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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