We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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