conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
