What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
