I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
