I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
