i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
