I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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