my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
