My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
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Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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