Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
