were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
