Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
