I'm eating all of the evidence.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
