It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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