Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
