guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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