Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
