We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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