so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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