I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
