I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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