I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
