Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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