Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My feet surprised me
Randomize
