if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
