What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I want to fling myself into the sun
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
