As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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