I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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