Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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