The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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