my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
