I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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