I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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