The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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