You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
