sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
