I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
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Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
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its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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