I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
