mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
