I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
