I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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