just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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