I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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