Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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