***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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