the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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