she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
