I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
