I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
