farters have to be the big spoon...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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