Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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