I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
