I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize