well I can't set my house on fire every night
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
