Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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