Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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