My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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