i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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