I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
